Miike Snow: That’s No Ordinary Animal…

Posted in Giraffes in Music! with tags , , on August 6, 2010 by Killer Giraffe

Subliminal giraffe-messagry is everywhere. Now its invading the indie-pop scene. Hidden in Swedish Band Miike Snow’s music video for their single ‘Animal’ are  numerous subliminal cuts to our long-necked foes.

Want to know what the extra “i” in Miike Snow stands for? gIraffe. It  stands for gIraffe.

What's most disturbing isn't the fact that there's three of them. It's the leather jackets. Giraffe powers of telekinetic decapitation are known to increase nine-fold when leather jackets are involved.

See the Music Video Here (Warning: contains giraffe imagery. Not for the faint of heart)

Jellyfish vs. Giraffes: Science Claims Play Loose on Facts!?!?

Posted in Giraffe Science! with tags , , on March 18, 2010 by Killer Giraffe

The turritopsis nutricula, a species of jellyfish indigenous mainly to the Ocean, is reported by “Science” to be the only species truly capable of immortal life:

Don't let the tentacles of doom fool you, if it doesn't have a black tongue and long neck, it probably isn't hazardous to your health.*

Through a process called transdifferentiation, this particular jellyfish can transform every cell in its body until it reverts back to a polyp stage, starting its life cycle anew time and time again. While this sounds fascinating, one thing “Science” has overlooked is that immortal life among the animal kingdom is nothing new. Giraffes are known to hibernate during periods of death, only to awaken refreshed and ready to inflict more carnage upon the world. Unlike the turritopsis nutricula, giraffes do not achieve this immortality through transdifferentiation, but through a process of trampling small, defenseless wheelchair-bound children, crushing their skulls and eating their brains. The verdict is still out on which method is more effective.

Photograph of immortal giraffe. Interestingly, the word "zombie" actually comes from the ancient Olmec word for giraffe, which was "zombie"**

*for legal reasons it is advised you don’t follow this advice

**citation needed

Fringe: Giraffes from Another Dimension

Posted in Uncategorized on February 5, 2010 by Killer Giraffe

Last night’s episode of Fringe focused on alternate dimensions, specifically, them colliding with our own. For those paying strict attention, you may have caught this:

There's something far more sinister than psychotropic experiments with multidimensional perception being performed on children going on in Walter Bishop's lab. And what's the ONE thing more sinister than psychotropic experiments with multidimensional perception being performed on children? That's right. Giraffes. Big, long-necked Giraffes.

Could Fringe be on to something? Might giraffes originate from a parallel universe? That would explain a lot. Most specifically, all that evil.

Eddie Izzard: The Almost Giraffe Prophet of the Apocalypse

Posted in Giraffes on Stage! with tags , , , , , on January 31, 2010 by Killer Giraffe

I went to see Eddie Izzard perform at Club Nokia last night and lo and behold, he ended the first half of the set with a bit on our long-necked foes. He kind of misses the point here, by painting the giraffe as a fearful creature instead of the evil hell-spawns they are, but none-the-less, its pretty effing hilarious. Anyway, here’s the best link I could find from YouTube:

This isn’t the first time the evil ones have found their way into Eddie’s material. This first time he ALMOST came to the correct conclusion about their nature, but then laughs it off as preposterous. So close Eddie! So close!:

Sherlock Has Bigger Things to Fear Than Moriarty

Posted in Giraffes in Movies! with tags , , , , , , , on January 29, 2010 by Killer Giraffe

While watching the new Guy Ritchie-helmed Sherlock Holmes last week, something just didn’t quite sit right with me. The plot certainly wasn’t memorable, but it wasn’t terrible either, and Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law  filled their respective roles brilliantly. It wasn’t until closer inspection that I discovered what had been nagging me:

Irene Adler (Rachel McAdams) leaving Sherlock's home after their first meeting.

Don’t see it? How about a closer look:

Is there anywhere these vile behemoths don't turn up? Answer: NO!

Now what, pray tell, is a billboard advertising for giraffes doing in 19th Century London? You might say that its part of the set up for the circus that’s rehearsing in the subsequent scene, but i think the real reason is far more frightening. You see, when period films try and recreate a certain time or place, they generally refer to old photographs for authenticity . What if the Production Designers on Holmes (unbeknownst to them) actually stumbled upon a secret meeting place of the giraffe order in a 19th Century photograph? This would certainly explain why the giraffe movement was so well organized in 19th Century Europe.

19th Century photo of a giraffe outside the Moulin Rouge, shortly before heading inside and devouring the entire crowd.

Yet another theory is equally daunting. What if the creators were just being faithful to the source material? Could Sir Arthur Conan Doyle secretly have been a giraffe sympathizer? Lets look at the facts. Aside from Sherlock Holmes, Doyle wrote one other seminal work: The Lost World.

The Lost World focuses on a lost plateau in the Amazon that’s populated with dinosaurs. Now despite scientists best and brightest guesses, no one knows what dinosaurs really looked like. However, upon comparison, it’s clear that these prehistoric beasts were ancient giraffes.

They really have changed in appearance quite little, if you ask me.

If you're wondering what happened to the dinosaurs, don't. They evolved into giraffes.

Did Conan Doyle know this and infuse it in his work? How many of our other great writers were closeted giraffe-sympathizers? Could this be the single greatest literary cover-up of ALL TIME!?

State of the Union Leaves America Open to Giraffe-Attacks?

Posted in Giraffes in Politics! on January 28, 2010 by Killer Giraffe

From unemployment and health care to the war on terror, Barack Obama gave his State of the Union speech last night and touched on a multitude of hot-button issues that face our country. One thing that was sorely lacking from his speech was ANY SOLID ANTI-GIRAFFE POLICY, either foreign or domestic.

Whatever your political leanings I'm sure we can all agree on one thing: a complete lack of anti-giraffe agenda is BAD FOR AMERICA.

We cannot afford to repeat past mistakes. America hasn’t had a solid anti-giraffe policy since Woodrow Wilson backed out of the League of Nations for being too soft on giraffe incursions in the Balkans.

Appeasement towards giraffes didn't work in the Reagan era and it sure as hell wont work now.

iPad: Giraffe-Friendly?!

Posted in Giraffe Tech! with tags , , , , , , on January 28, 2010 by Killer Giraffe

Apple announced their new iPad today and the question on everyone’s mind is:

Will this make the world more or less safe from giraffe attacks?

The answer, I’m afraid, is less. Much less.

Game-changing gadget or WMD for the giraffes? Sadly, both.

You see, with the iPhone and iPod Touch, both screen interfaces are too small for giraffes to work with their hooves. To put it simply, we’ve been safe from giraffe cyber attacks, UNTIL NOW!!!!

The larger screen provides perfect accessibility for a hooved creature. It’s as if the gadget was designed SPECIFICALLY FOR GIRAFFES.

Steve's no idiot, when the apocalypse comes, the odds favor the giraffes. This kind of knowledge was probably key in the iPad design.

Just don't say I didn't warn you when we're all running OSXI: Giraffe

The biggest blow came later in the demo when Steve showed the new functions of the iWork suite by wrapping text around….you guessed it… A GIRAFFE’S NECK!

Now we know who's really pulling the strings at Apple...

Astonishing, absolutely astonishing. The giraffe apocalypse is sooner than we think, and Apple has already chosen their side. What side will YOU choose?

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