First Things First!

Okay, first things first, lets clear up a few misconceptions:

Giraffes are evil.

Period. No, seriously, really, really evil. Not ‘I-had-abusive-parents-and-a-difficult-childhood-society-made-me-this-way’ evil. Real evil. We’re talking ‘ultimate-destruction-of-all-existence’ evil.

These long-necked monstrosities don’t mess around. They will kill your grandmother and step on your first-born child’s face. They will pre-empt your favorite television show just to tell you things you already know. They will stand in line with you to buy the Half Blood Prince at midnight and then skip to the end and tell you that Snape Kills Dumbledore. They are pure, unadulterated, unequivocally and all-consumingly evil.

Don’t let them fool you, they may look like this:

Don't be fooled, this giraffe isn't going for the bottle - it's going for the hand.

But they really want to do this:

Murder is the number one pastime of the giraffe, right behind crochet.

While we’re at it, let’s clear up the common misconception that giraffes have only recently become evil.

This is 100% false.

Like the Electoral College, Aerosol Cheese and car alarms, giraffe evil is deeply rooted back to the Stone Age. In fact, giraffe-evildoings actually predates the written word, as evidenced in these cave paintings:

An ancient cave painting depicts warriors attempts to slay giraffe demon. These attempts proved about as successful as medieval alchemy.

This painting shows grazing giraffes. The artist died before he could finish the work by littering human corpses across the field.

Fun fact: the leading three causes of death in prehistoric times were all giraffe related*

Eventually, giraffes decided that mankind would be more fun to wipe off the face of the earth after being given a head start of some 5,000 years of progress. It was only after this decision that early man was able to settle down and move to a more agrarian lifestyle without fear of being disemboweled by a wayward giraffe.

Still, fear of the giraffe persisted through early tribal civilizations, leading to ritualistic sacrifices and dark giraffe worshiping cults.**

Most early superstition rituals were built around giraffe appeasement. Probably.

*citation missing

** citation also missing (I wouldn’t worry about it though, it will probably turn up along with the previous one when you least expect it)

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One Response to “First Things First!”

  1. I knew it. thanks for spreading the word.

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