Giraffe Apocalypse: The Mayans Warned Us!!!!!

Posted in Giraffes in Movies! with tags , , , , on January 26, 2010 by Killer Giraffe

Watching Roland Emmerich’s 2012 I caught this:

If they wanted to save humanity, this was the first mistake.

So humanity is on the verge of complete extinction, and they’re bringing EVIL DEADLY CREATURES on board with the last surviving remnants of the human species. Maybe the real catastrophe the Mayans warned about was still to come?

These vile behemoths show up several times throughout the climax of the film, leaving the viewer to wonder whether Roland knows more than he lets on about the ultimate fate of our species:

These beasts wont stay caged for long! Good thing they've got an ark full of food (read: PEOPLE!) to sustain them on their journey.

Notice who's in the cage now? The giraffes look down on their prey. Soon it shall be their time again.

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Conan O’Brien: First Casualty of the Giraffe Attack?

Posted in Giraffes on TV! with tags , , , , on January 26, 2010 by Killer Giraffe

Last Thursday a stuffed giraffe showed up on Conan’s show. The following day Conan is REMOVED AS HOST OF THE TONIGHT SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coincidence? Or the sinister work of the evil Giraffes? You be the judge.

It's all fun and games until the long-necked hell-spawn shows up.

First Things First!

Posted in Giraffe Alert! with tags , , on January 22, 2010 by Killer Giraffe

Okay, first things first, lets clear up a few misconceptions:

Giraffes are evil.

Period. No, seriously, really, really evil. Not ‘I-had-abusive-parents-and-a-difficult-childhood-society-made-me-this-way’ evil. Real evil. We’re talking ‘ultimate-destruction-of-all-existence’ evil.

These long-necked monstrosities don’t mess around. They will kill your grandmother and step on your first-born child’s face. They will pre-empt your favorite television show just to tell you things you already know. They will stand in line with you to buy the Half Blood Prince at midnight and then skip to the end and tell you that Snape Kills Dumbledore. They are pure, unadulterated, unequivocally and all-consumingly evil.

Don’t let them fool you, they may look like this:

Don't be fooled, this giraffe isn't going for the bottle - it's going for the hand.

But they really want to do this:

Murder is the number one pastime of the giraffe, right behind crochet.

While we’re at it, let’s clear up the common misconception that giraffes have only recently become evil.

This is 100% false.

Like the Electoral College, Aerosol Cheese and car alarms, giraffe evil is deeply rooted back to the Stone Age. In fact, giraffe-evildoings actually predates the written word, as evidenced in these cave paintings:

An ancient cave painting depicts warriors attempts to slay giraffe demon. These attempts proved about as successful as medieval alchemy.

This painting shows grazing giraffes. The artist died before he could finish the work by littering human corpses across the field.

Fun fact: the leading three causes of death in prehistoric times were all giraffe related*

Eventually, giraffes decided that mankind would be more fun to wipe off the face of the earth after being given a head start of some 5,000 years of progress. It was only after this decision that early man was able to settle down and move to a more agrarian lifestyle without fear of being disemboweled by a wayward giraffe.

Still, fear of the giraffe persisted through early tribal civilizations, leading to ritualistic sacrifices and dark giraffe worshiping cults.**

Most early superstition rituals were built around giraffe appeasement. Probably.

*citation missing

** citation also missing (I wouldn’t worry about it though, it will probably turn up along with the previous one when you least expect it)