Miike Snow: That’s No Ordinary Animal…

Subliminal giraffe-messagry is everywhere. Now its invading the indie-pop scene. Hidden in Swedish Band Miike Snow’s music video for their single ‘Animal’ are  numerous subliminal cuts to our long-necked foes.

Want to know what the extra “i” in Miike Snow stands for? gIraffe. It  stands for gIraffe.

What's most disturbing isn't the fact that there's three of them. It's the leather jackets. Giraffe powers of telekinetic decapitation are known to increase nine-fold when leather jackets are involved.

See the Music Video Here (Warning: contains giraffe imagery. Not for the faint of heart)

Jellyfish vs. Giraffes: Science Claims Play Loose on Facts!?!?

The turritopsis nutricula, a species of jellyfish indigenous mainly to the Ocean, is reported by “Science” to be the only species truly capable of immortal life:

Don't let the tentacles of doom fool you, if it doesn't have a black tongue and long neck, it probably isn't hazardous to your health.*

Through a process called transdifferentiation, this particular jellyfish can transform every cell in its body until it reverts back to a polyp stage, starting its life cycle anew time and time again. While this sounds fascinating, one thing “Science” has overlooked is that immortal life among the animal kingdom is nothing new. Giraffes are known to hibernate during periods of death, only to awaken refreshed and ready to inflict more carnage upon the world. Unlike the turritopsis nutricula, giraffes do not achieve this immortality through transdifferentiation, but through a process of trampling small, defenseless wheelchair-bound children, crushing their skulls and eating their brains. The verdict is still out on which method is more effective.

Photograph of immortal giraffe. Interestingly, the word "zombie" actually comes from the ancient Olmec word for giraffe, which was "zombie"**

*for legal reasons it is advised you don’t follow this advice

**citation needed

Fringe: Giraffes from Another Dimension

Last night’s episode of Fringe focused on alternate dimensions, specifically, them colliding with our own. For those paying strict attention, you may have caught this:

There's something far more sinister than psychotropic experiments with multidimensional perception being performed on children going on in Walter Bishop's lab. And what's the ONE thing more sinister than psychotropic experiments with multidimensional perception being performed on children? That's right. Giraffes. Big, long-necked Giraffes.

Could Fringe be on to something? Might giraffes originate from a parallel universe? That would explain a lot. Most specifically, all that evil.

Eddie Izzard: The Almost Giraffe Prophet of the Apocalypse

I went to see Eddie Izzard perform at Club Nokia last night and lo and behold, he ended the first half of the set with a bit on our long-necked foes. He kind of misses the point here, by painting the giraffe as a fearful creature instead of the evil hell-spawns they are, but none-the-less, its pretty effing hilarious. Anyway, here’s the best link I could find from YouTube:

This isn’t the first time the evil ones have found their way into Eddie’s material. This first time he ALMOST came to the correct conclusion about their nature, but then laughs it off as preposterous. So close Eddie! So close!:

Sherlock Has Bigger Things to Fear Than Moriarty

While watching the new Guy Ritchie-helmed Sherlock Holmes last week, something just didn’t quite sit right with me. The plot certainly wasn’t memorable, but it wasn’t terrible either, and Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law  filled their respective roles brilliantly. It wasn’t until closer inspection that I discovered what had been nagging me:

Irene Adler (Rachel McAdams) leaving Sherlock's home after their first meeting.

Don’t see it? How about a closer look:

Is there anywhere these vile behemoths don't turn up? Answer: NO!

Now what, pray tell, is a billboard advertising for giraffes doing in 19th Century London? You might say that its part of the set up for the circus that’s rehearsing in the subsequent scene, but i think the real reason is far more frightening. You see, when period films try and recreate a certain time or place, they generally refer to old photographs for authenticity . What if the Production Designers on Holmes (unbeknownst to them) actually stumbled upon a secret meeting place of the giraffe order in a 19th Century photograph? This would certainly explain why the giraffe movement was so well organized in 19th Century Europe.

19th Century photo of a giraffe outside the Moulin Rouge, shortly before heading inside and devouring the entire crowd.

Yet another theory is equally daunting. What if the creators were just being faithful to the source material? Could Sir Arthur Conan Doyle secretly have been a giraffe sympathizer? Lets look at the facts. Aside from Sherlock Holmes, Doyle wrote one other seminal work: The Lost World.

The Lost World focuses on a lost plateau in the Amazon that’s populated with dinosaurs. Now despite scientists best and brightest guesses, no one knows what dinosaurs really looked like. However, upon comparison, it’s clear that these prehistoric beasts were ancient giraffes.

They really have changed in appearance quite little, if you ask me.

If you're wondering what happened to the dinosaurs, don't. They evolved into giraffes.

Did Conan Doyle know this and infuse it in his work? How many of our other great writers were closeted giraffe-sympathizers? Could this be the single greatest literary cover-up of ALL TIME!?

State of the Union Leaves America Open to Giraffe-Attacks?

From unemployment and health care to the war on terror, Barack Obama gave his State of the Union speech last night and touched on a multitude of hot-button issues that face our country. One thing that was sorely lacking from his speech was ANY SOLID ANTI-GIRAFFE POLICY, either foreign or domestic.

Whatever your political leanings I'm sure we can all agree on one thing: a complete lack of anti-giraffe agenda is BAD FOR AMERICA.

We cannot afford to repeat past mistakes. America hasn’t had a solid anti-giraffe policy since Woodrow Wilson backed out of the League of Nations for being too soft on giraffe incursions in the Balkans.

Appeasement towards giraffes didn't work in the Reagan era and it sure as hell wont work now.

iPad: Giraffe-Friendly?!

Apple announced their new iPad today and the question on everyone’s mind is:

Will this make the world more or less safe from giraffe attacks?

The answer, I’m afraid, is less. Much less.

Game-changing gadget or WMD for the giraffes? Sadly, both.

You see, with the iPhone and iPod Touch, both screen interfaces are too small for giraffes to work with their hooves. To put it simply, we’ve been safe from giraffe cyber attacks, UNTIL NOW!!!!

The larger screen provides perfect accessibility for a hooved creature. It’s as if the gadget was designed SPECIFICALLY FOR GIRAFFES.

Steve's no idiot, when the apocalypse comes, the odds favor the giraffes. This kind of knowledge was probably key in the iPad design.

Just don't say I didn't warn you when we're all running OSXI: Giraffe

The biggest blow came later in the demo when Steve showed the new functions of the iWork suite by wrapping text around….you guessed it… A GIRAFFE’S NECK!

Now we know who's really pulling the strings at Apple...

Astonishing, absolutely astonishing. The giraffe apocalypse is sooner than we think, and Apple has already chosen their side. What side will YOU choose?

Giraffe Apocalypse: The Mayans Warned Us!!!!!

Watching Roland Emmerich’s 2012 I caught this:

If they wanted to save humanity, this was the first mistake.

So humanity is on the verge of complete extinction, and they’re bringing EVIL DEADLY CREATURES on board with the last surviving remnants of the human species. Maybe the real catastrophe the Mayans warned about was still to come?

These vile behemoths show up several times throughout the climax of the film, leaving the viewer to wonder whether Roland knows more than he lets on about the ultimate fate of our species:

These beasts wont stay caged for long! Good thing they've got an ark full of food (read: PEOPLE!) to sustain them on their journey.

Notice who's in the cage now? The giraffes look down on their prey. Soon it shall be their time again.

Conan O’Brien: First Casualty of the Giraffe Attack?

Last Thursday a stuffed giraffe showed up on Conan’s show. The following day Conan is REMOVED AS HOST OF THE TONIGHT SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coincidence? Or the sinister work of the evil Giraffes? You be the judge.

It's all fun and games until the long-necked hell-spawn shows up.

First Things First!

Okay, first things first, lets clear up a few misconceptions:

Giraffes are evil.

Period. No, seriously, really, really evil. Not ‘I-had-abusive-parents-and-a-difficult-childhood-society-made-me-this-way’ evil. Real evil. We’re talking ‘ultimate-destruction-of-all-existence’ evil.

These long-necked monstrosities don’t mess around. They will kill your grandmother and step on your first-born child’s face. They will pre-empt your favorite television show just to tell you things you already know. They will stand in line with you to buy the Half Blood Prince at midnight and then skip to the end and tell you that Snape Kills Dumbledore. They are pure, unadulterated, unequivocally and all-consumingly evil.

Don’t let them fool you, they may look like this:

Don't be fooled, this giraffe isn't going for the bottle - it's going for the hand.

But they really want to do this:

Murder is the number one pastime of the giraffe, right behind crochet.

While we’re at it, let’s clear up the common misconception that giraffes have only recently become evil.

This is 100% false.

Like the Electoral College, Aerosol Cheese and car alarms, giraffe evil is deeply rooted back to the Stone Age. In fact, giraffe-evildoings actually predates the written word, as evidenced in these cave paintings:

An ancient cave painting depicts warriors attempts to slay giraffe demon. These attempts proved about as successful as medieval alchemy.

This painting shows grazing giraffes. The artist died before he could finish the work by littering human corpses across the field.

Fun fact: the leading three causes of death in prehistoric times were all giraffe related*

Eventually, giraffes decided that mankind would be more fun to wipe off the face of the earth after being given a head start of some 5,000 years of progress. It was only after this decision that early man was able to settle down and move to a more agrarian lifestyle without fear of being disemboweled by a wayward giraffe.

Still, fear of the giraffe persisted through early tribal civilizations, leading to ritualistic sacrifices and dark giraffe worshiping cults.**

Most early superstition rituals were built around giraffe appeasement. Probably.

*citation missing

** citation also missing (I wouldn’t worry about it though, it will probably turn up along with the previous one when you least expect it)